I’m Fully Alive…   Leave a comment



My staring at my 19 inch HANNS-G wide-inch monitor, and I feel like head banging. I’m listening to Flyleaf, the first-release of the band with the same name, and I’m feeling chills run through my spine… and everywhere else. At first, it was me trying to figure out some of what lead singer Lacey Mosley was saying, but it was mostly her voice. It has a haunting quality that reminds me of quiet churches and scary calliope music.


It makes me wonder about feelings in general. The track “Cassie” talks about suicide, but in a way that make me nod my head and go “Hell yeah!” without feeling suicidal myself. This is an album for people who’ve had issues, or for people who wished they did. Personally I don’t recommend having an album filled with dark, from-the-pits-of-my-soul-yet-kinda-scary music inspire you to toss your hands into the air, but hey, there are enough people with issues to go around no?


Sometimes I feel like I’m walking in a bubble, and everything around me is obscured by this semi-opague coat of the bluish bubble membrane as I walk, Bose headphones on, listening to crappy quality MP4s on my Ipod nano. I feel this way even more when I have odd dreams, today I had a scary dream about seeing a UFO (thanks a lot Anderson Cooper 360!) and then an odd dream about a bomb going off in a restaurant in a high school in Jamaica. They were both extremely vivid dreams that left me feeling winded when I woke up. I’m promising myself not to fall asleep in my clothes again.


I ask myself sometimes if its even worth it writing a blog in detail about little things in my life people will never read, but its part and parcel of the whole writer business. Should I ever become world famous, one day a super-hot girl (most likely from Italy) will approach me, and in her sexiest accent quote one of my blogs. “Yes Mistar Bird.” She will say, putting images of wheat fields and little old men on tiny wooden chairs in my mind, “When I read ah your ah blog, the Jesus and the cock a block, it a made me laugh.”


Okay fine. I doubt this super-hot Italian woman would sound like a super mario impressionist, but from what I’ve heard, thousands will read the blog, many will see it as a gateway into my mind and many will either like me, or despise me for my honesty. Today, I’m not even speculating about that, I’m merely existing, listening to my melancholy album and feeling the occasional spikes of “that good stuff” floating through my system.


I’ve been thinking about Type-A personalities lately. Wikipedia says a Type A personality is impatient, extremely time conscious and driven by goals. They are also very competitive. A type B is more relaxed and easy-going. But there are also type Abs that exist. I think I’m a type AB. When I’m working on something that fascinates me, I will work on it until I fall asleep at my computer desk (which I’ve done before). I will not eat or sleep, and I will demand a lot from those around me should they offer help (this never happens :p). I realized this when I was jogging yesterday. Its like 30 degrees outside, and I toss on some thin clothes and start running, blasting Linkin Park in my ears. My body was aching from the day before, and yet I trudged on, determined not to stop myself just because I was “in pain”. I dunno if that’s’ me being type AB or just being plain crazy, but alas, it’s a passing thought.


Just one of those days I guess. I will leave this blog with a quote from “Cassie.”

Do you believe in God
Written on the bullet
Say yes to pull the trigger.
Do you believe in God
Written on the bullet
and Cassie pulled the trigger.


Posted January 24, 2008 by marcusbird in Uncategorized

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